A friend of mine mentioned to me the other day that she was reflecting on life and realizes how much she allows people to get to her and that she may tell people too much, not realizing that they don't have her best interest at heart. She felt as if she was too sensitive to the actions of others and as I started typing a response, I started to think about my struggle with sensitivity.
I realize that I take offense easily and am way too sensitive. That really needs to stop because the offenders aren’t going to bed thinking about me. So, I’m trying to either say something without making too big of a deal about it so it won’t consume me and then knowing to keep certain people at a distance (without explicitly stating that). I know it’s my struggle and I’m working on it. I also feel like people think “you have it all together” so they don’t necessarily build you up, encourage you, or be there for you when needed………but you do it for others because you know no one has it all together..
I encouraged my friend to write in a journal. I haven’t done so in two years, the time since I started working two jobs. When I looked at my journal in 2009, I was amazed at how blessed I felt and how inspiring it was to re-read everything I wrote. It just reminded me of how good God is. So, I started writing again. Initially, I only wanted to talk about my blessings but now I’m starting to make note of what’s bothering me and why I think it’s bothering me. As I write, I tend to look at things from a perspective outside of myself and I am able to release my frustrations with the power of the pen.
If someone has offended me, I even look at things from their perspective and what may be going through their mind or not going through their mind.
I'll share an example with you.
A week before my birthday, my friend "Cecily" invited my boyfriend and I over to her house for dinner for my birthday (Sunday, February 13, 2011). The dinner would take place the day before my birthday, which is on Valentine's Day. She said she "was sooooooooooo excited". "I better like chocolate" (I assume for a cake..I don’t know)…blah, blah, blah…..she really built this thing up…so now I’m getting excited because I know we would have fun and hey, that was really sweet. Don't you think? The Thursday before this dinner takes place, she tells me that she has to cancel and she’s so sorry but her fiancée just realized that they had reservations to PF Changs that day at 7 p.m…..She’s so sorry. She posts this on my FB wall....
Doesn’t that just seem wrong? I was hurt..Reservations at PF CHANGS??????????? It’s not like you’re seeing the President….I was really hurt but then I looked at things from 2 different angles..
1. She built it up and I was excited, especially after feeling like that was so sweet of her (My birthday is often overlooked as it falls on a day that everyone is celebrating)…so I was disappointed.
2. I highly doubt he made reservations before she invited me over to dinner.
Let’s look at it from her point of view….
1. Her fiancée says let’s celebrate Valentine’s Day on Sunday since everywhere will be packed on Monday.
2. She probably says but we’re having company. He probably says it’s no big deal. I’m sure she will understand. It’s Valentine’s Day and I really want to take you out.
Now why would I be hurt? Because point blank, if I was in that situation, I would tell my boyfriend, fiancee, husband, etc. to cancel those reservations and let’s celebrate on the Saturday, early Sunday, or Tuesday evening. Guess what????? "Cecily" isn’t me so she isn’t going to think like me. Plus people don’t truly realize the magnitude of their actions….So, I’ve let it go. She had the nerve to write on my wall that she misses me a week and a half later. "When are we going to hang again???," she asks. I responded by saying ,”I don’t want to get all excited to be disappointed and I missed her as well”. I wanted to get my point across without sounding accusatory. Of course, she never responded. Now, a normal person would, in my opinion, apologize and state that they probably didn’t realize that it was a big deal and state their reasons but they are sorry if they made me feel that way. Another thing, a normal person would have done if they were to flake out on you is to re-schedule with you at the time that they are blowing you off. She didn’t even respond to me saying that I didn't want to be disappointed again…………..now all I can do is pray for her because this is what I see. She’s setting herself up for something in the future that she created. She and her fiancée have been on and off because he’s controlling and abusive. Once they had gotten back together, she said that he got so much better and then…she got pregnant….she had a baby. She said it brought them closer….. I haven’t asked if there’s “still a problem” because I don’t want to be intrusive, but want to be there if needed….Now you don't have to be a genius to know what's coming…………if you drop everything for this man, you will find yourself in a situation where you push away all of your friends..so soon all you have is him and your family….To make things worse, I didn’t even pick up on this but the last time I saw them, I asked her if she missed working and she said “sometimes, I do, but he wouldn’t like it if I worked”. He then said, “I make enough for the both of us. She doesn’t have to work. Plus, if she works, I would never get to see her so there would be a problem.” Because she laughed, I didn’t even think about it for too long. I just said, I wish someone would give me the option of not having to work..silly me…Now, that I think about it…..you see, where this is going…………..she is going to end up isolating herself….and being backed into a corner………..she’s setting herself up, not realizing it. Controlling and abusive behavior doesn't change overnight. So, yes, all is well now because you are at home taking care of "house" but what happens when you no longer feel fulfilled, you have no sense of purpose, you realize that you push everyone away that cares for you at the drop of a dime for this man?? By that time, it will be way late.
So, I pray that I’m not right as it pertains to that situation but honestly, a lot of things, we have to let go………… People reap what they sew…..and there are consequences to their actions.
So, will I not be her friend? No…but I’m always at a job so if she doesn’t pass by or reach out to me, we may just end up distancing as a result of not maintaining contact.
Bottom line is that people don’t think like you think so treasure the ones who you know mean you well. None of us are perfect but you can tell when people totally disregard you, your feelings, or don’t care. We all make mistakes but I think by now, we (or I would like to think those of us who are mature) have the discernment to know when someone unintentionally has made us feel a certain way or they truly don’t care. Either way, let go and let God. People may not treat you right at times, but HE does..and then sometimes we focus on these silly events or people and don’t magnify the unexpected blessings from people we had no idea cared about us as much as they do!!!!!!
Let it go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sis, you are sooooooooooooooo WISE. I was reading this whole thing, nodding my head at everything. Because everything your saying is so RIGHT. Its beautiful how you can look at things from different angles. I've recently have adopted that tactic, so understand why people do what they do. You are so inspiring and encouraging. Most people don't even try to understand why the person did what they did, despite if it was intentional or not. But you can do that, and that's a very rare thing Sis. Keep doing what your doing!!!!!
ReplyDeleteto understand why people do what they do *
ReplyDeleteI have to say.. I would feel exactly the same way you felt. Slighted, like the friendship didn't matter. Especially since it wasn't acknowledged in a text or a phone call like look, I'm sorry about the change of plans, but I really want to get together, when is your next available date.
ReplyDeleteWith that said, you are right. Everyone thinks differently and for the most part, I feel everyone has a bit of selfishness within them, so when the opportunity presented itself, she wasn't thinking about how cancelling would make you feel, but how great going out to eat would make her feel.
Not everyone thinks the same way, so its great that you are able to at least recognize that move foward because at the end of the day, that's the only thing you can do. Let it go and keep moving forward.
I've moved on but from your experiences, I have to ask what would you do? A big part of me says to show her what a real friend is and continue to be the same old me with her. Then their is this tiny voice, of reason perhaps, that says try your best but you'll always feel as if she can easily dismiss you for a "P.F. Chang" moment...
ReplyDeleteSo is it wrong of me to wonder why she couldnt cancel her reservations at PF changs to continue on with the existing plans to have dinner at her house? Like you said that was me expecting others to do what I would expect them to do....You know Im a stickler for sticking by your word, and despise people canceling on me. Besides I dont like to disappoint people since I hate being disappointed and wouldve told my boyfriend we need to reschedule for the following weekend or double date at PF changs!!!
ReplyDeleteTrue....I guess only a select few would do what we may have done but I've decided not to expect people to react or be like me. They aren't me and I need to accept that.
ReplyDelete